mi 839.2
Tonight I am going to write myself out of this funk I have gotten into.
The first section of this trip could be summarized as, struggled to continue hiking with my broken body.
This section is my fear of being along in the woods. There are so few hikers out here now. Which honestly would be a godsend.....if NY/NJ weren't so chock full of large creatures! The coyotes. Whatever. I can get over that.
Black bears on the other hand are driving me insane. Mostly it's only at night they cause me greiph.
Take last night for instance. There was actually a large group of us at the shelter & camping. Some time around 11pm or so I heard a bear messing around with the bear box....whatever. The sound was loud enough to get through my ear plugs, but I rolled over and went back to sleep.
The next morning I confirmed with the other hikers, a bear came to camp. Fine. Normally end of story. Some time in the afternoon I remember something....embarrassing I did in the night(not the first time on the trail I did this either).
I had a dream there was a 'monster' pushing it's snout against the wall of my tent. I got so afraid during my dream I woke up yelling and punched my tent wall hitting my hand on something. Embarrassed at my night terror, I sheepishly went back to bed.
Upon sharing the story with the weekend hikers, they confirmed the bear pushed in on their tents all during the night.
What?!?! So my dream, was not a dream....and I punched a bear in the face....I guess. This is my life now.
I know my fear is irrational. A bazillion thru & weekend hikers have been thru here with no humans hurt. Knowing that. And even the lengths I've taken to lessen my fear through education...have only made the experience 'tolerable'. I get to frightened I can't sleep most nights.
Ear plugs work to some degree...but large noises like bears and coyotes get through.
I know I am out here anyway. Day after day. Night after night.
I had this idea that being outside, renewing my love of the woods might give me some courage conquer this fear of being alone at night in the woods. After 4 months of trying I can tell you, the only thing that has altered is my threshold for discomfort.
So. That is the portrait of my personal development. Damn it. I want to much to come out of this trip fearless and confident! Maybe even just confident for once in my life!
Had a devil of an idea earlier. After tonight I only have 3x more nights (4x days) in the woods. Since Delaware Watergap is my goal there is nothing to stop me from sprinting to the finish?!
Spend an extra night in a hotel and get out of my head.
Maybe I'll post this.....maybe not. I don't know that showing this insecure portrait of a person will bring any one peace.
If I could only solve this 'being scared of bears' problem. I tackled so many other obstacles to this point. Why should this be the puzzle that breaks my resolve?!
Grr. grr. grr.
I'm frustrated because more often feel I 'failed' to hike the AT. If section hiking had been known to me before, I never would have tried for a thru.
Renbird made me feel good about my accomplishment. And hey. If this bear thing is simply too much to accomplish now....then maybe there is peace to be found in the triumphs so far. The other problems will be waiting. Quietly. Till the day I am strong enough to conquer them:)
You can learn to be kind to yourself Santoro. All the answers will come at the good pace. Breath. Think of all the blessings you get to share when you finally return home again:)
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