These days are dark.

This one is just for me. No fucking online journal. No blog pictures. Just writing.

That bear two nights ago fucked me up. I was scared for my food. I was scared for my pack & gear. Scared for myself. I didn't sleep a god damned wink. Was crazy tired the next day.

My stupid knees need to heal, so I decided to not push the 13mi to Stratton. So here I am, 4pm at the Crocker Cirque Campsite all along again. Difference between last time & this is the several hours I have to sit around and accumulate fear.

I think back to that guy in Hope Alaska: "If you are afraid, go home." He said to me.

I thought this trip would make me tough! I thought I would have that strength & confidence that my college friend had back in the day.
So far I have gotten injured. My ego has been bruised because I can only walk 8-12mi per day. I am not even a thru-hiker because I'll have to go back to work before I can even get to Harper's Ferry (the 1/2 way mark!).

I feel stupid for even trying. Ashamed for my constant cowardice. Ashamed of my broken body.

I don't know. Some moments I can walk ad be proud of my 500+ miles. For walking from NY->ME. For walking though my body is hurting and broken. For finding some peace and happiness here & there.

I just wanted to be amazing. I wanted to go home with that confidence of completing something I set out to do. Even if it was hopeless from the start. 4.5 months was not enough time.

The thought of hiking in Nov, Dec & Jan frightens me. I know people do it....but...can I?! With my injuries? My arm, my knees? Only walking 10-12 miles per day?

I want advice, and I don't.
I really really want to figure this out on my own.
I want to go home. To spend 4 weeks at my father's cabin, resting & healing. Is it failure?

Or, do I rest a week, then start in NY and try to get to Harper's Ferry before going back to work?!

In every scenario I will continue my current walk to Katahdin. I want to walk at least 750 miles.

4 more weeks on the trail after that....I would love to break 1,000miles. That would feel like a number I can live with....but my body? Can I tame my fear?!
I want to eat, laydown, listen to music & sleep.
Tomorrow I'm on the trail by 6am!